Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   The worst part about shooting a unicorn with a crossbow is that it turns into a real horse when it dies and no one believes you.

   You look like the type of person that takes a Facebook quiz to find out what Flower or Celebrity you are.

   I am the type of person who hides 99 problems behind the happiest smile :)

   You are 18 yrs old, dating a 52 year old man and your status update says "I can't wait to see my baby" is he your baby or ANCESTOR?

   In honor of Earth Day, McDonalds will now start making their food biodegradable!

   I'm going to sue all of the big media production houses in America. For years I have been keeping digital backups of all of their works and to date they have not paid me a single cent for my services rendered.

   I was watching the gay scene on Game Of Thrones and my dad walked in on me... and immediately walked back out.. Now, he won't even make eye contact with me.

   I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I don't do selfies. The only time I picture myself is when I am with you.

   Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.