Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1838 of 6386
Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."
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06-24-2014 01:33
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Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.
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06-24-2014 01:11 by Baddie
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It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.
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06-24-2014 01:08 by Baddie
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When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.
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06-24-2014 01:07
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Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.
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06-24-2014 01:03
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Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.
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06-24-2014 00:58
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In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
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06-24-2014 00:56 by Baddie
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I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.
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06-24-2014 00:55
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.
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06-24-2014 00:55
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Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*
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06-24-2014 00:53
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Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.
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06-24-2014 00:52
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Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.
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06-24-2014 00:45 by Baddie
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Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
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06-24-2014 00:40 by Daheavy1
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Pringles - The only chip company in the world, that doesn't sell air!
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06-23-2014 23:47 by Jitney
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Sooooo workin for TSA wasn't a good enough job so you decided to sell... Coke and make Crack at your house while the kids were there....smh
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06-23-2014 23:38 by Jitney
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Check out Google's homepage right now. It's hilarious
Remember when Pink made girls look cute, now it makes them look trashy
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06-23-2014 20:50
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You know when a friend says, "I thought of you the other day." And then smile so it looks like their whole face is smiling...I like that. I like that a lot.
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06-23-2014 19:45 by Trudge
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