Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I search all over the internet for funny stuff and paste it here so that you don't have to. So show some appreciation please.

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   You know she is a psycho when she posts pics of her mood. SAD, ANNOYED, HAPPY, ANGRY.

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   I'm so Facebook i'm sick of seeing all these stupid I'm so posts.