Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you

   Sorry, when you said you liked rough sex I thought you meant rough as in "not good"

   What's the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I'm mailing to someone

   As a kid you could get excited by small stuff: findin a body, pokin it with a stick. Now you gotta poke 10 bodies with 12 sticks just to feel anythin.

   No, we do not have video of our baby's birth but we do have some very fine shots of his conception.

   Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and Greg Hardy are collaborating on a new song with Chris Brown. It's sure to be a HIT.

   Two countries got Independence in 1947.. One reached Mars, while the other is still trying to enter India..

   seeing the ice bucket challenge videos are over maybe we should raise awareness for Parkinson's by doing harlem shake videos.

   I went for an interview at IKEA today and when I walked into the bossesoffice he said, “Please have a seat.” It took me nearly 6 hours, but I finally managed to put the seat together and sit down for the interview.

   Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.

   I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.

   I dont understand why dentists in toothpase advertisements have stethoscope around their neck...

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   There is no reason to tail gate someone in the slow lane. Especially when I'm going 35MPH over the posted speed limit. Oh and those flashy little lights on top your car look ridiculous. SMH

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.

   Whenever someone tries to do the state farm jingle and teleport, I always mess with them. They'll say "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there....." and I'll say something like "... in the ghetto" or "in a crack house" and watch the fun.

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.