Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   If you watch a V iagra commercial on mute it looks like a really risky drug that helps you cuddle better.

   Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

   Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.

   I'm an accident looking for a place to happen!

   Whenever I go to a stripclub I piont at the most slutttiest girl and say, "Hey I know you.... I use to go to church with you!"

   I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet... what are the odds?

   I sprinkled googly eyes into the dog's food,, and now he craps out toys for all the neighbor's kids.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.