Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.

   wanna have some fun? get in the van!

   I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!

   How much for the eternal loyalty & unconditional love? Ma'am that's a puppy

   I am sorry I had to UNLIKE all your pics after my girlfriend read me the riot act.

   You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

   Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

   “you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like crap”

   Do you think, Ajay Bhatt, inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.