Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure, I'll show up at your vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man....

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.

   Snow peas are just like regular peas except the licky boom boom down.

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   I ain't voting for Monica Lewinskys ex-boyfriends wife.

   I guess Monica Lewinsky is trying to sell herself as some sort of crusader against cyber bullying. I'm glad she found a new calling, she blew her chances at a political career!

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.

   I've been analizing chickens' behavior for weeks and I still can't determine why did they cross the road... My thesis is screwed

   Do you know how I recognize a peasant?! They stare deeply into someone's eyes without knowing that they're not comfortable.

   it's creepy when a girl you've never met before comes up to you and asks to feel your arm muscles. Go wash your hands first and I'll think about it

   If you say you can’t cook what you're really saying is that you can’t read and follow directions.

   Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear

   adam's diary day 1: we arrived on earth, weather's nice, a bit quiet, both adjusting well day 2: eve is talking to a snake

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   I tried stuff once. It was horrible.