Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   *calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   How about we replace the water in these Ice bucket challenges with acid and rid ourselves of some of these self-conceited and egoistic "celebrities"???

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   In an effort to clear the streets of Ferguson, Mo, local authorities have hired the services of Tony Stewart

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good luck!

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? ... How's that working out for you?

   Growing up Italian. My mothers meatballs are better than your Moms. . .

   I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.