Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   people who have to say "i was being sarcastic" should stop trying to be something they are not good at.

   Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don't go outside.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed?

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   Excuse me Miss, but your new hairstyle is making everyone uncomfortable.

   The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.

   It's a shame that all these die-in protesters aren't actually dying

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable

   Committing to your happiness increases your chances for success.

   My first after school job was sweeping up hair.... I don't know how that kebab shop stayed Open

   Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.

   So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.