Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   Honestly, we should be thanking North Korea from wasting our time on another awful Seth Rogen movie.

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough

   Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car... I was gonna shave my car anyway.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   [job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”

   Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.

   Why? I'm telling you why !! If you little brats will shut up for 2 secs I'll tell you why you better not pout or cry

   Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?

   a vegan, an atheist, and a guy who does crossfit all walk into a bar... everyone else walks out of the bar.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.