Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1739 of 6385
In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....
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09-28-2014 18:27
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You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.
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09-28-2014 13:58 by Baddie
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"I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.
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09-28-2014 13:45
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Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me
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09-28-2014 08:02 by flinnie
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Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
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09-28-2014 02:39
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You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married
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09-27-2014 21:07
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Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?
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09-27-2014 19:35
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My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.
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09-27-2014 16:00 by snotty
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.
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09-27-2014 15:53 by snotty
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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09-27-2014 15:47 by SEAN
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I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it
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09-27-2014 15:41 by SEAN
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Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
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09-27-2014 15:40 by SEAN
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Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.
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09-27-2014 15:40 by SEAN
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One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.
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09-27-2014 15:39
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The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.
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09-27-2014 15:38 by SEAN
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I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"
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09-27-2014 15:38 by SEAN
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"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.
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09-27-2014 15:36 by SEAN
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
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09-27-2014 15:34 by SEAN
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As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh
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09-27-2014 15:34 by SEAN
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A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
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09-27-2014 15:33 by SEAN
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