Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.

   I wish I could have the days back when I'd tell my best friend "we did it three times last night" and it meant something other than "going to the bathrrom"

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   Opening the wrong kitchen cupboard and drowning in a "Bag for life" tsunami

   I never comment on a joint FB account post because I never know who said it, the wife or the p ussy.

   I don;t know what kind of President she would make, but if I am being totally honest; I would hit that.

   Tiger may be a cheetah, but he ain't lion.

   Marco Rubio was asked if he was too young to be president.. he said, "Yes, but the elections are almost 2 years away, I will be much older then."

   Woohoo! Marco Rubio For President Of The United States of America!!!

   Advice is a bitter medicine, which is more blessed to give than to receive.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who can't even put her panties on without falling over.

   I need a catchphrase, and a themesong. Oh, and while we are at it, a signature sex move that doesn't always end in an apology.

   I like my women like I like my coffee; Always causing embarassing stains on my pants.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   "iPhone" is a really terrible name considering how much I use it as a phone. That would be like calling my bed iSex.

   Happiness is only a throat punch away.

   I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.

   Never go to a little leagure game with a #1 Dad t-shirt unless you are prepared to be challened to a Dad-off.

   Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.