Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about grains of wheat that could've become beer, but didn't.

   If you didn't want her 6 years ago, why do you want her now?

   I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.

   Selfie or not here I come

   I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.

   putting someones genitals in your mouth is OK, but eating a Dorito off the floor after 2 seconds is gross

   If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   I don't have any room in my heart for you, but I do have space for you in my trunk.

   whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.

   If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend

   I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.

   PRO TIP: Make tomorrow's colonoscopy special by eating all of this glitter!

   Taco Bell is going to start delivering. Thank you for making everyone a little more lazy.

   If I am suffering and hurting and you tell me "its all god's plan" I will kick your ass and tell you it's also god's plan.