Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.

   Serta has an icomfort mattress trying to emulate ipad, ipod imac. What's with adding an I that makes a mattress better. It doesn't, icall that a bunch of bull$hit. . .

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.

   Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.

   You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.

   My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.

   I slept like a log last night. Woke up this morning in the fireplace.

   Keeping your job is the new raise

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   I love when people comment on my winter weather from warm climates... "It's 80 here" and your inside on the Internet? Losers always lose

   It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the best time to do it.

   It's like my daddy used to always say, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND LET SOMEONE ELSE HAVE A TURN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY?"