Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   The good thing about this country is we have freedom of speech...the bad thing about this country is we also have Michael Moore.

   NEWS FLASH: After watching video of this huge North East Snow Storm.... Al Sharpton has called an emergency meeting with his act up idiot group because the storm is...... ALL WHITE...... film at 11....

   My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.

   Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I'm behind you 100%

   Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

   My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

   this upcoming snowstorm will really deflate the patriots balls

   You don't know me...you just know what someone said about me!

   I’m not going to judge you if you don't like football because of whatever moronic reason you think you have in your clueless head.

   Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.

   FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.

   Where is Kanye when you need him for Miss Universe

   What's the over/under on the football psi??

   No one used to watch the pro-bowl or the NFL draft, This year the inflation of the Super Bowl footballs will probably be on pay-per-view.

   If you wagered on the Pro Bowl....please seek immediate help for your problem..

   Can't wait to watch the NFL Pro Bowl said no one ever!

   You cannot steal a joke - if you don't want anybody to use it themselves, don't tell it to anybody.

   Me: You're always so argumentative. Wife: No, I'm not. Me: See?