Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.

   Started a new workout program, 50 more "likes" and I'm all done.

   At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0

   Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.

   Just ate a salad with a dinner fork. #ThugLife

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West

   To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   I'm a real stand up guy, just so long as you are a real bend over girl.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   My new girlfiend is taking FOREVER to exist.

   Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.