Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

   Hey Baltimore, eat a Snickers. You get all Ferguson when you're hungry.

   "He has it all and doesn't even realize it", I whisper, glaring at the guy working at Dunkin Donuts.

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Obama did not get Osama, the CIA and NavySeals did. That's all you got? FAIL!

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   france, you couldn't b more a dįčk. Banning little girls from school for dressing modest. There is a special place in hêl1 for you

   If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.

   If I was rich and Asian, there's a 100% chance I'd change my name to Cha Ching.

   I just checked my wife's pulse. She's still crazy.

   When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   What?! "Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger."? I don't believe they have an elephant's stomach.

   That channel is all Hawt blonds and old dudes. Every show from Fox news looks like a party scene from Weekend at Bernies

   You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Heck, I'm half way to sexy town ツ

   I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine.

   Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger.