Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   My Favorite machine at the Gym is the Television

   50 Shades of Grey beat Sponge Bob at the weekend box office. Sponge Bob could have stayed at number 1 but he refused to remove his square-pants

   All these FB quizzes are just today's horoscopes. BS designed to make women feel important in a man run world.

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew

   A real man respects a woman. A real woman makes a respectable sandwich.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets? What do they need them for..baby wallets?

   1st sneeze: Bless you. 2nd sneeze: Bless you 3rd sneeze: Get out of my life until you are finished with whatever this is

   Fellas what if your soulmate is dating a lesbian right now?

   So, they are saying the Washington Monument isn't quite as tall as they originally thought. Or maybe it's just shrinkage from the cold...

   I wish I loved anything as much as my dogs loves the food I've been giving him every day, twice a day, for the last 13 years.

   What's worse than Greese on Oliva Newton John? Come on Eileen.

   Who do you think uses more pig skin, the NFL to make their footballs or Bravo to make their Real Housewives?

   Phuck the IslamaNazi's.....

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   WTF is with all the American Girl dolls on ebays deal of the day.... This isn't christmas mother fcukers

   PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.