santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   Is it to early to break my new year's resolution or should I wait until after Christmas?

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.