santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas tree by the lines of duct tape around the box it's stored in.

   I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

   I'm 45 and I would still be tickled pink to wake up Christmas morning to a Barbie Dream House with accessories.