father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   Never knew if my father would hit us or the bottle!

   My father was a professional wrestler. He hit us but did not hit us!!

   THE ARTISTS may have the most Academy Awards Nominations, but at my house I have been nominated for BEST FATHER and BEST HUSBAND not forgetting BEST MASTER by my dog.

   I know I'll be a good father. I've had my iPhone for over 6 months now and I've only dropped it 182 times so far.

   Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.

   running around the house with a wrapping paper tube saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool

   if Darth Vader was really black would he have admitted to being Luke's father?

   Even though he was voiced by James Earl Jones, Darth Vader definitely wasn't black because he never would have admitted he was Luke's father.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

   Conrad Murray is guilty?!? In other surprising news, Kim Kardashian is getting divorced, Casey Anthony killed her daughter and Justin Beiber will never be anyones father because he is, in fact, a girl...

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"

   Whenever a couple tells me that their baby was born premature, I glare accusingly at the father.

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   My family's in the Iron and Steel buisness. My mother irons and my father steals.

   A pregnant prostitute went to a doctor and he asked, “Do you know who the father is?” She replied, “Well, if you ate a can of baked beans, do you know which one made you fart?”

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.