life Funny Status Messages

   just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks, so if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster....... SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book....

   Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   You may not be familiar with the lesser known dwarf, Stabby. He was away, doing 25 to life.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   If being asleep is becoming the favorite part of your day it might be time to make some changes in your life!

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   the earlier you start doing anything in your life, the less it affects you as you grow older...

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   What if Deja Vu means you lost a life and started at the last checkpoint

   From the moment I opened my eyes I"ve thought of you. Just thinking of the moment I can hold you in my arms. Pull you next to me and press my lips to you. You warm my heart and calm me down. You make me smile and complete my life. Oh morning coffee, "i LO

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...