Funny Status Messages

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   A women's work is never done.especially is she asksk her husband to do it

   I so wish my smoke alarm had a "STFU, I'm cleaning the oven setting".

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   whoever dies with the most friends on facebook wins

   My anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don't panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we're not that far from you.

   Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

   WHOOOAAA!!! I smell the strong stench of "MONDAY" brewing!!

   Acquaintance: a person I know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason

   If they can come out with an app that can do your homework 4 you I swear...

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   found this pic. on the net. The guys name in the photo was “Mike Litoris”. Oh how he must have been picked on as a child!

   LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER HIRING STAFF FOR XMAS, $ 19.50 HR. I told them about your experience handling c*ck, you start Monday......

   Jealousy is an illness, get well soon!

   Can you imagine how hard it was to check the blindspots on the left side if the Millennium Falcon?

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. I promise not to call you Shirley.

   I hope when I die and I'm standing at the pearly gates "trying to get in" that they dont have a list of all the things I have Googled and start reading them aloud !