Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   I expect 2011 AMA performances will include Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and supergroup N*KOTBSB 182 Degrees...

   hates getting texts or calls on my iphone it interrupts my game, don't call me!

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

   Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

   Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

   There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   I almost touched my toes, a year ago I couldn't even see them. #ExerciseIsGood

   Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight

   Dear future politicians, If one of you promises to synchronize a few traffic signals around here, you'll get my vote. Sincerely, Taxpayer #317.

   please remember to drive safely, responsibly n a bit slower than how fast your guardian angel can fly

   God, give back Bob Marley and take Justin Bieber instead

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.