Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   Everyone complains about octomom but everyone loves the duggars who popped out 20+ of those things. Shows you americans don't understand how much octo means

   I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt cause I'm a Gangsta!

   I just bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to saving money for only $89.99!

   you can't tune a piano, but you can tune a fish

   theres only one way to become champion ......... never loose

   It's amazing how many Catholic priests have left the church to pursue careers with the TSA...

   I felt like an escaped hostage after finally getting off the phone with this long winded guy...do

   Worried about traveling on Turkey Day, the full body scan screener may think I have a rilfe in my pants.

   I be the internet moves quite fast between midnight and 3am. All the Potter geeks will be at the movies rather than searching for online "secrets".

   Q:Why do you want to be a flight attendant? A:So I can be high all day.  

   Mexico can never get an Olympic team together... anybody who can run, swim or jump is already in the States.

   I can't believe that guy in the Heineken commercial stole my wedding reception move!!

   I'm not a chef. But I'd be happy to baste your turkey for you.

   One good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers. I'm ready for bootycall Friday night to begin!

   If first dates are interviews, then second dates are negotiatons.

   So I was just thinking, if fans of the Grateful dead are called deadheads, hulk hogan's fans are hulkamaniacs, those that mean Harry Potter fans are Potheads?

   I love you! And that's ok that you don't, because sometimes the beauty is in the attempt

   Girl you must have restless leg syndrome because you can't seem to keep those legs closed!!