Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that history repeats itself but, you know, they've said that before.

   I just got my wifes Christmas gift. I hid it in the oven. She will never find it there!

   Don't you find those people who keep updating how many days to christmas annoying? Anyway it's 37 days to christmas.

   I'm no genius, but I am smart enough to know that there is no ''x'' in the words ''especially'', ''espresso'', or ''ask''.

   Ladies, if the bra doesn't fit don't wear one! No need seeing them two looking like two bald men fighting

   The main trouble with mental notes is, the ink fades so fast.

   I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   BREAKING NEWS: Philip Morris teams up with TSA to offer free cigarette after clearing airport security. (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   I wondered why everytime I would visit my grandma at the retirement home they were having a Hawaiian luau until I learned that flowery clothing was the fashion trend of old people.

   T.S.A. pat downs on children are a direct violation of their civil puberties

   I just received a letter from my bank that said I am approved for a loan and a line of credit. Somebody, somewhere, made a huge mistake."

   Since you're asking....I want a mistletoe belt buckle for Christmas.

   I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."

   the 1 item on my Black Friday shopping list this year is a mistletoe belt buckle for myself.

   Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser!