Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The nice thing about being overweight is, if challenged, you can crush the competition....on a lighter note, you can then finish your donut......

   Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.

   ROMANTIC IDEA: Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as "I Love You" When the lights go down, your message will be revealed!

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   You can get anything from your man ladies just gag

   Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.

   swears he heard a chinese say something along the lines: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?" These are the exact words: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   trying to think of someplace to fly to...that pat down thing might not be so bad! I mean...I AM past 50 so pats and excitement like that come far and few between

   Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   I have always woundered why people bang their heads against brick walls..... then I met you

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   thinking that Venti must be the Italian word for "you just paid an insane amount of money for a cup of coffee."

   Virgins... Thanks for nothing...

   happy that President Obama recently visited India. Maybe now we can start sending jobs in Congress offshore.

   Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

   "I ain't going through a scanner at the airport until I see Janet Napolitano go through one. I've got a bar bet hanging on her real gender."

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY