Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was "About time. That comic strip has been lame for decades"

   Somthing always tells me, be camera ready when I go into Walmart..

   I Can't find my phone! Could you call it? Oh wait, it was only in my pocket.. haha got you're Number!"

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

   My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

   Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Female drivers: The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

   did you just say something?Or did your brain fart!

   if at first you don't succeed, maybe you just suck!!!

   gone to search for One Eyed Willie's rich stuff.

   Yes I realize I wore this shirt last time you saw me. I don't own 365 t-shirts, so the odds of this happening again are roughly 1 in 10.

   So, your kid made the the Dean's List huh? Well I say his real parents would be proud because you're both morons so he clearly must be adopted.

   She takes a backseat to no one. But will get in the back seat with anyone.

   I heard that a guy fell out fo the 13th story window of a building and he died! Spooky...

   enought with your mama jokes already. Time for a daddy joke...Your daddy so ugly....he had to resort to doing it with your mama!

   The McRib is like the IRS...Both come around once a year, and when they do everybody cringes!!!