Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kate Gosselin had a garage sale , she did good.... she has 3 kids left.

   That McRib is McNasty

   ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..

   Ever look at your friend's photos and think, "If you only knew what I did with her before she started seeing you."

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   instead of complaining about the crappy posts here, lets see if you can do any better!!!

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.

   One for all and all of one..Translation- Every man for himself!!!

   I just bought some Axe Body wash and now my balls are sqeeky clean too!

   Happy Birthday USMC! Thank you to all our vets and active soldiers :)

   MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

   My catholic priest molested your honor roll student.

   Feeling a little horny today. I think my check-engine light is ON.

   I can't stand it when someone use's an apostrophe "s" to make a word plural. It drive's me nut's!

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..