Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me and a friend have been texting "LOL" back and forth for the last 10 min. Neither 1 of us have anything else to say but don't want to be the rude one not to text back!

   Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?

   Just seen a scarecrow trying to have a wank..... Poor fucker was clutching at straws !!

   For Sale: 24 pedigree pigeons, call 0161 123 1234 and ask for Tyrone......

   hates driving by people who are texting and driving. It's times like that, that I wish my Subaru came with rocket launchers

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.

   Hello Network Solutions, we have a problem.

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   I bought a dog once. Named him Stay. "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...