Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your ugly when you have more pictures of your family then yourself ' Haha

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   I go where I please...and I please where I go.

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote..

   If you are drunk, and you get bitten by a mosquito. Since alcohol is in your blood, I wonder what that does to the mosquito...Things that make you go hmm...Be Breezy

   now that the FB font is smaller, less of my friends will notice my witty status updates and posts.

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   Note to self: After applying Icy Hot, make sure to wash hands before going to the bathroom!!

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident!!!

   If you watch "Groundhog Day" backwards, its basically the same except Bill Murray doesn't get the girl at the end.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

   Thinking about starting a 80s themed oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Why is the dollar drink @ Mc D's smaller than the dollar Sweet Tea?? I jus dump that sh*t out n refill it wit Hi-C.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.