Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WHO's GUILTY? Husband and Wife are sleeping. Wife dreaming at night suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of the window!

   I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

   Ran around today shouting "I'm Free! I'm Free!" Some little kid looked up at me in disgust and said, "So... I'm four."

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish

   could easily become the "Crazy Cat Lady" for Halloween. I could wear my everyday clothes and pin all the neighborhood strays to them......

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   Liquor Treat!!!

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.

   Apparently I drank enough purple juice to make me believe I could crip walk across the dance floor last night.

   Why is the list of vision providers in 4.5 font? I know I need glasses; that's why I am looking for a provider. You don't have to rub it in.

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   going downstairs to see what that noise was... powers out but BRB.

   the oldest I've ever been so far.

   About that pumpkin.. line the cut edges with cooking oil to keep that jack-o'-lantern fresh for a longer time.

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!

   does anybody still reminise the days of Celebrity deathmatch?!

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   "That Wonka is a liar!", exclaimed by my six year old son when he realized his Everlasting Gobstopper was getting smaller and changing color.