Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When dressing up for Halloween, disguise the limit.

   "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... thought the Dog.

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.

   Do me a favor..run your face into my fist really hard..

   real eyes realize real lies

   I remember my first status...

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   "The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

   My girlfriend has a weird fetish, she likes to dress up like herself and act like a b!tch every night.

   wonders “Why its called a walkie talkie, yet a vacuum isn't called a pushy sucky???”

   How do I explain to a coworker, that she is not a size 6…that EVERY pair of pants she wears she has a Camel Toe…and EVERYONE has noticed!

   Guess facebook is my woman because I wake up and say good morning and whats on my mind

   At my last job, I mixed concrete with a pitchfork.. Under job title on this application should I put ,,Mortar forker?

   ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?

   Dear Me, You are the sexiest thing to walk this Earth! Love, Me

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.