Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   i'm not an alcoholic the world just feels better when i'm drunk

   Payroll for 53 over-hyped players: $168 Million, Big a$$ stadium: $1.6 Billion, Getting the Superbowl to that stadium: $100 million Everybody knowing that you spent all that money and your team STILL sucks: Priceless : D

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   The worst things in life are also free.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   Why does Samsung think I want a TV that can update my Facebook status?

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   So, Monday... we meet again. Are you going to play nice this time or do I have to knock you into next week?

   my 2nd wind seems to be fanning the fire of the candle I am burning at both ends

   Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!

   ....so next time your in Home Depot or Menards buying somthing BIG... like a couple sheets of plywood or something....with a straight face.... ask them if you can get some help putting the items in your Smartcar...the look is priceless

   You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over? I feel like that ALL the time.

   For Halloween I'm going to be a 6. Who wants to be my 9?

   Just heard on the news that pres Obama will be on an episode of "Mythbusters" in the near future.....guess they must be doing an episode on why, once you become president, you lose the capacity to tell the truth.......

   R.E.M. just recorded a new version of their '90s classic "Everybody Hurts" especially for their older fans. New title: "Everything Hurts"