Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   if you really were my friend, you would write a little note, but since you never do, I assume you never won't

   Bosses are like diapers, always full of s****t and usually on your a$$ (^-^)

   When i'm good, i'm good. When i'm BAD, i'm the best!!!

   The best thing in this status is when you realized that it mean nothing and it's too late to stop reading...

   Single...but you're welcome to change that ;D

   Mr. Officer, I am not drunk. You are just witnessing sobriety that hasn't returned yet.

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border! 

   Stop the Madness!!!! haha If you're broke it doesn't matter where you like your purse!

   Gonna make a milkshake to see if it'll bring all the boys to my yard.....I need one to pull up the weeds.

   likes it under my arm after I knocked an old lady over the head for it.

   I throw my Spanish in the air sometimes, saying ayo no comprendo

   in an open relationship with all the ladies on match.com.

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   New Age is Old School: The Dream(Prince), Trey Songz(R.Kelly), and Lady GaGa(Madonna)...Get your own image people

   heard that Bruce Willis is working on the next Die Hard movie. Working titles are Die Hard: The Colonoscopy or Die Hard: Medicare with a Vengeance.

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.