Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   Whoever invented invisible fences for dogs should be fired.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   I recognize three out of the fifty ingredients listed here. This is food, right? I'll eat it, but I'll never understand it.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   I'm gonna check out The Social Network, except I'm not gonna actually watch the movie. I'm gonna just check out everybody while they are watching the movie.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   Never apologised for what you feel it's like saying sorrry 4 being real!

   likes his women like he likes his whiskey...15 years old and mixed with coke

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.