Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg: Weren't you doing just fine without the irritating banner ads?

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't even spell.

   can we pretend that helicopter in are night sky is not following me, I really wish I hadn't bought that weed, bought of weed...

   I throw my Skittles in the air sometimes sayin aaayooo, taste the rainbow!!!

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????

   You stop telling lies about me, and I'll stop telling the truth about you...

   I vote for a 3 day weekend and a 4 day work week.

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.

   you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.

   Money can only buy imitation happiness. I would be happy with that.

   not a performance , and is not here for personal entertainment or enlightenment !

   battery operated boyfriend is the best man I ever known! does what I tell him and hums while he does it

   People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.

   if you think being weak is meak, try being meak for a week

   would like to live the life of a Bachelorette.. you know, date multiple guys and have them all be OK with it.. :0/

   Good morning Monday...now get outta my face!

   Trust me, if I want your opinion-I'll remove the f*cking duct tape.