Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber!

   Dear alarm clock, that stunt you pulled this morning waking me up was not funny at all. Next time you wake me up early you will see me with a hammer in my hands

   If your friend doesn't lift a finger to help you...it is time to first lift a finger and then lift five fingers to wave goodbye!

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   thinks Sesame Street should keep Katy Perry and ban Elmo.

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   Obamacare ~~ It's the healthcare 9 out of 10 illegal aliens recommend the most!

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   poking Osama bin laden to update his location on Facebook.

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   found Jesus! I spoke to him on the phone today and he lives in Hampstead, Florida and he works for Dish Network!

   The hell with Calgone...Whiskey take me away!!!

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?

   If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.

   Little known fact of the day: Did you know that the little dot above the "i" and "j" is called a tittle

   I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.