Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   You're skin is such a nice orange, what ethnicity are you? Carrot, perhaps?,

   X Did you Just say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   I saw a sign outside a church today it said: "The most powerful position, is on your knees..." *naughty thought*

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   I like It when you smile...................... But I Love It When I'm The Reason.

   Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.

   I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.

   You can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink, but you can make him wish he had!