Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not a Facebook Freak!.... says the guy updating his status from the toilet

   First drink & people speak their mind, 2nd drink people speak their heart. 3rd drink & people speak from their ass

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   Lindsay Lohan's upcoming film could be derailed by her failed drug tests. That is, unless her acting gets to it first.

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   By now, Colonel Sanders has killed more people prematurely than if he were an actual military officer.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   I would dress up like a Kardashian for Halloween but it's difficult walking around with a vacuum up your ass to get the pulled back face look.

   Men like hot showers. Women like scalding hot showers that cause any man in the shower with them to act like a wussy b*tch about it.

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out