Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To this random person talking to me here in line at wal mart while I'm typing on my phone.. itd funny how you think I'm listening!

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   the Vatican is accused of laundering money?!? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too!

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!

   Q: What does an elephant use for tampons? A: Sheep

   BBC NEWS: Five year investigation ends. Vatican accused of laundering money. What is this world coming to? Next thing you know, you will be telling me they molest little boys too! *

   heard they are now powering street lamps with dog dung in Cambridge, Mass. If this is true, we should be able to plug the entire country's power grid into Capitol Hill and save a FORTUNE!

   says...behind every successful women...thr are a couple of satisfied men... :pp

   "Obamacare, you may as well have Michael Jackson's personal physician tuck you in at night" ~ Dennis Miller

   Got my Halloween costume- Snookie! I will wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body umpa loompa orange, walk around half naked, drunk and obnoxious.

   BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;)

   Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

   A penny saved is no longer a penny earned. It is a government oversight!!!

   What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"

   I got 99 freinds on FB and TOM ain't one:D

   No porn music has ever gone "bow-chicks-wow-wow" ever. EVER!

   To the lady at Walmart wearing the "Bootylicious" shorts. If I can read that whole word...then that booty isn't licious!!!