Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   coloring outside the lines

   answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em

   answered the phone at work, when the person asked if Roger was available..I said no, he's married

   Just because a guy wears a dress and dances with men doesn't mean he's gay.

   There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes......how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?

   stuck in traffic. Send bacon.

   |\\//\\//\\//\\| <-- <y best attempt at creating a piece of virtual bacon for you

   ust received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

   If it wasn't for pricks like me, all you c*cksuckers would starve to death.

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   ____________is so far in the closet he is finding Christmas presents in Narnia.

   Shake N' Bake

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   98 MORE SHOPPING DAYS UNTILL CHRISTMAS....YUK!

   The cops came to my house because I was using the slip and slide and fined me..Officer said "sir you can use the slip and slide but can you please put a bathing suit on"

   The cool little wooshy thing the cards do at the end always makes the hours I spend trying to win Solitare on the computer well worth it.

   My local newspaper is now publishing online. I'm potty training my puppy and he's already ruined three computers.

   world oldest attractive women celebrates birthday at 43

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.