Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should have one Facebook for True Friends "Two Face"book for the Rest!! Just Sayin

   kayaking....makes me wet

   saving money and recycling my peanuts

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   crane operators have swinging balls

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   took my dog to sign up for Welfare. The clerk said dogs are not eligible. I said why not?!? He's unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and dosen't know who his dad is!

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!

   Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!

   Ever look at your friend's photos on facebook and think to yourself "She is way too hot to be with that loser!"? Um, me neither. Actually it was a rhetorical question.

   I totally think that I am following the A-Team's van right now, I am just waiting for things to just explode around us to confirm, this could be epic

   the last thing you want to feel at your colonoscopy is your doctors hands on your sholders

   looking forward to see the date and clock show 10/10/10 10:09

   Birdie Birdie in the sky did a poopie in my eye. I dont swear I dont cry I'm just glad that cows dont fly

   I like science. I know for a fact that you have 206 bones, and if you would like one more, I'd be glad to do it.

   - You gotta take some chances, You gotta risk it all, You gotta close your eyes,` &jump'; 'cause it might be worth the fall..

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies???

   What do burnt toast and a pregnant woman have in common?... In both cases you'd wished you had pulled out a few seconds earlier.

   You could learn a lot by listening. So shut up and let me talk.