Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   A couple is having sex and suddenly the boy stops and his girlfriend says "What are you doing?" The boy says "I've seen this on a porn once, it's called buffering"

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   gotta check the mail box but I'm standing at the door naked thinking I can make it and back witout being caught....he goes nothing..really

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   ..thinks her computer is so slow, it must be running Windows B.C...

   what's the difference between a women with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick

   Divorce attorney: $3,500. Mediator fees: $575. Court costs: $130. Finally being legally and financially free from that former 'significant other': PRICELESS!

   has multiple personality disorder and so do i

   wants every ending to be a HAPPY ending ! :-D

   It's not warm in the car; you're rolling down the window because you farted.

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like Open bars... I could really use a drink right now...