Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If god is a dj, life is a dancefloor, love is a rhythm, you are the music, you get what you are given it's all how you use it and god wants you to shake your ass!

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.

   If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble

   A man walks into a bar. He says to the bartender..... "Ow".

   When I'm done using a unisex bathroom I leave the seat halfway up....never know who is coming in after me

   hates having friend requests off faceless girls. Its called facebook for a reason you stupid splitarse! And that faceless pic looks like Darth Vader. Who wants 2 be friends with Darth Vader?!!

   relationship status as changed from " It's complicated " to "is in a relationship but the wife doesn't know"

   I still can't believe it! It does exist! Yes, just read that actually there is a place called "Canadian Hurricane Center"! Honest!

   USA & UK... Two countries standing side by side fighting the terrorist!!!!

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   Drown in your blood or live in your sht

   You can't turn a ho into a housewife unless you're playing Scrabble.

   thinks a religious war compares to 2 kids having an arguement who got the toughest imaginary friend

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   remembering the days when cell phones were used for making phone calls.

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   At what point does "experiencing higher than normal call volumes" become "we don't feel like hiring more people."

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.