Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.

   had four E's and LSD last night, Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

   Never buy a car you can't push.

   If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Heigh ho! Heigh ho! It's Off to the Bar I go.."

   Happy bday beyonce the only singer to b almost 30 nd not pregnant

   a pant-busting crush on you.

   a nite with me is like giving a gun to a 6yr old...you don't know how its gonna end, but you know it's gonna make the papers!

   girls are like square roots. If they're under 15 you just do them in your head

   "I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

   If it ain't broke, ask it for five dollars.

   UGA 55, LA Lafayette 7...looks like BP wasn't the only ones to screw LA this summer.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   I think the world would be way cooler if we would have domesticated the bear instead the horse. Oh you pranced around, jumped a stick and ate some hay? Big deal, my bear just ate a hobo, paw'd a bee hive then roared so hard deaf people heard it.

   needs some fresh air and regrets the decision to let the cat lick up the spilled Fiber One yogurt.

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

   Dogs see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "He must be God." Cats see that their owner provides them with food, shelter and caters to their every need and they think "I must be God."

   It may be surprising to know that hippos are the cause of more deaths in the wild than any other animal, but you can't say you weren't warned just how hungry they were.