Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do Hurricane Earl and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody is gonna lose a trailer.

   that feeling when you are about to have sex with some hot gal you've been wanting for a long time...

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   If I owned a charter fishing boat, and I assigned one of the crew to bait customer's fishing poles, would he be called "The Master Baiter?".

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   Happy 90210

   I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.

   Todays date? 90210!...I'm off to the Peach Pit!

   having a hard time groing his sunflower, maby I should'nt have eaten the insides

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a proper sport or a slim person in America

   since football season is officially here, I will celebrate by tackling the sh*t out of stupid people that piss me off!

   Puberty is gonna hit Justin Bieber harder, than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!!

   My cellphone is mixing people up (surprise this would only happen to me) So if you get a picture of my left tit..apoligies in advance!!

   likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).

   I want to make sweet love to your face with my fist. Don't worry, I'll use protection. Wouldn't want my hand to get hurt.

   I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.

   it says on my sidebar on facebook.. "Many of people who like Lindsey Lohan also liked Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" Oh no, that can't be good.

   What are the chances that Hurricane Earl will make a little detour and head up north to wipe out the cast of Jersey Shore?

   if Facebook didn't exist, I wouldn't know how many imaginary friends I have.