Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so someone just told me that, that isn't a water fountain in the bathroom it is something called a bidet, sure works well as a water fountain though

   never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   i can ride my bike with no handlebars no handlebars no handle *crashes*

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come"

   We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

   w Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Noback to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.