Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   Somedays it is just so hard being so much better than most people.

   I was just hit by a Prius. It felt like I walked into a tree.

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   Please pray 4 me. Had a checkup & I tested positive 4 being The S#it! I'm allergic 2 all haters. Side effects may cause me 2 slap a bit**!!

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I avoid "online dating sites" because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

   Ok, it's official...I spend way too much time on facebook. I just caught myself giving my boss a thumbs up because I liked something He said.. God help me!

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

   My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

   File: Save as, Porn 1 'File name already exists' - Porn 2 'File name already exists' - Porn 3 'File name already exists' fuljaek';*+atxre£ 'File saved'

   Very opposed to the Ground Zero Mosque but only cuz I think we need a Ground Zero Chick-Fil-A first.

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   Love is just a misunderstanding between two fools