Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   God said: "I cannot be everywhere, So I created MOTHER!" The Devil Replied: "Even I can't be everywhere, So I created MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

   Don't make someone your priority if they only make you an option!!

   "I am sick of people getting "offended" by what I say...put on your big girl panties and deal with it

   If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called two faced, its called growing up

   found out softcore porn isn't like real sex, it doesn't fade out to a candle, waterfall or something lame like that."

   Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin

   Us women are stupid. We b*tch moan and yell about something not done by someone else but by the time we get done complaining we couldve done it ourselves..I'm a woman and I will never understand us

   It's time to do some stuff around the house. Sit around it... walk around it... lie around it...

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.

   My microwave has a button that says "STOP TIME", its probably to stop the timer but I don't touch it just in case

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.

   Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?