Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   Motorola is coming out with a new droid phone called the Kobe... conversely, they are also coming out with the Lebron phone too, except the only difference is it doesn't RING.

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   dressed up feeling like a million bucks but I wish I wasn't so broke...

   Boy says to girl; "have you ever had a Australian kiss?" Girl says; "whats that?" Boy says; "it's like a french kiss, but down undaa."

   throwing the new MySpace Profile out with the trash where it belongs :)

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   Like Superman, I have a Fortress of Solitude. But mine flushes.

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   ... CAT RULE #2: Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4am

   Money can't buy happiness? I just bought THE best package of vanilla frosting covered cupcakes of all time, for $5. I'm happier than a dog with two peters.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

   Women are better at hiding cheating, Men are better at Cheating.