Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I support the right of the Jedi to build a temple, but does it have to be two blocks from the ruins of the Death Star?

   Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

   I hate all these derelicts that come into my office asking for directions to Social Security they are going there to make sure they get money from the government, do you think it is wrong that I gave them the directions to the Department of Labor Job Enf

   Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of bad girls ;)

   thinks that 99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I'm in the other 2%

   I am pretty bummed. I found out this morning the hard way that I am in fact, NOT a Jedi. That certificate from Lucusworks now has to come off of my wall. This is a sad day indeed.

   Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   findining it increasingly difficuly to not say "Really? Since when?" whenever an atheist says "OMG!"

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   my name is what, my name is who, my name is chicka chicka slim shady

   Police were called to a day-care centre today.... A two year old boy was resisting a rest.

   Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

   Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

   If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?

   How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

   was out side working and this clear salty liquid started coming out of my skin every where... I may need a Doctor... I think I may be melting..

   Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

   On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?