Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom, I'm 16 now. Can I have a Bra? ...No, Justin.

   I Cant imagine how boring taking a $hit would be without an iphone..

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   seeing your past and it hurts, must be L.O.V.E.... seeing your piss and it hurts, must be S.T.D...

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   The people at Visa are going out of their way to give me credit. And for that, I'm deeply indebted

   A developer tears down trees and builds houses in the woods. An environmentalist already has a house in the woods.

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   I'm seriously reevaluating my MySpace Top 8

   Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.

   the Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert.Tonto hears something and drops to the ground with his ear to the dirt.After a few seconds he lifts his head "Buffalo come!"he says"how can you tell?"says the Lone Ranger"Face sticky "says Tonto

   typed this status with his toes.

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   In fairness, we've been building 'ground zeros' near Iraqi mosques since March 2003.

   do you know why kids think I'm Cool?.. Because I was raised to talk and think like a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' that's why."