Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I'll text random numbers with things like "Have you ever taken a poop so good it gave you goosebumps?"

   There's no one I relate to less than my relatives.

   Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.

   Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

   Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them.

   Early map makers were mostly men, which explains why Florida was usually drawn about 3 inches longer than its actual size.

   Just got my jury duty check. Time to cash this bad boy and rock the sh*t out of the dollar store! Woooo!

   When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

   I literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.

   The dude who invented the high-five must've been left hangin like 90 percent of the time that first year.

   I'm not afraid of killing c0ckroaches. It's the fear of his friends and family's plan to avenge his murder while I sleep, that haunts me.

   She has a body built like Pikachu

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."

   FANFKNTASTIC.... I just ''accidentally'' discovered TWITTER!!.... Turns out its the spot in between a girls TW@T... And her SH*TTER......

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   I think Kid's Lemonade Stands would make more money if they started selling Mike's Hard Lemonade