Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised.

   I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer

   Go ahead 'like' my day!

   Amazon always recommends me the things I bought, I mean dude why would I want the same or similar thing again

   Fantasia over doses on asprin, called a home wrecker by cheating with a married mand and even made a sex tape... FINALLY, a celebrity sex tape I will not watch HAHAHA!!

   if your happy and you know it click you "like".........

   I've used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I'm calling in dead. lol

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car!

   Some days I just feel like the token black guy.

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   You know what I like to do on Facebook? Answer my own questions.

   One thing I learned about a vacation you drive to…. my GPS has a female voice and would make the perfect wife… it sits quietly in the car, never complains about my driving, and when it has something to say - it says something useful.

   If at first you don't succeed, wait a third of your life and look him/her up on Facebook.

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

   I wonder how we really know that hard work never killed anybody, when the only reliable witness may be dead?

   When somebody says "I'm really bad with directions," that translates to me as "I'm too stupid to read road signs."

   I'm debating on a new career path, but can't decide if I would make a better professional thumb wrestler or butt model.

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"