Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just recorded his own voice as a new ringtone for my phone: "You lost me again, you are an idiot" - this ringtone gets played everytime my office number calls my cell phone.

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...

   Ladies if you want your man home more often in the next few months... Madden 11 is here... Oh and NFL SUNDAY TICKET ont be bad either!!!

   Umm whoever is thinking about me, could you please stop. I'm tired of running!

   Only one long utter but I love getting milked

   Will be getting Rosetta stone for the 2 voices in my head that don't speak English. Wonder if I can get a group discount??

   whats dumber than being married to your best friend for facebook purposes??????

   Making mirrors look good since 1992

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   If it's worth it, fight for it & if you lose it, at least you tried.

   Thinks the invention of the credit/debit card, homeless people must be pissed.. do you take visa does not sound as good as a couple quarters bouncin in a cup!

   Kama Sutra has finally been published as an audio book. Unfortunatly the audio is provided by Gilbert Gottfried.

   once had his Ex crawling toward him on her hands and knees. The thing is, he was under the bed hiding and she was crawling toward him screaming "Come out and fight like a man!"

   I was just thinking. How many people have been killed in the name of Atheism? Also, how many wars have been started in the name of Atheism? Are there any suicide bombing Atheists out there? Hmm.

   reminds you that anything unrelated to elephants is *ahem*...irrelephant.

   Run faster I hear banjos!!!!

   Went to a restaurant... the drinks waiter gave me drinks, the food waiter gave me food. ... then the Head waiter came over....