Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   todays horoscope-Your belief that all of life's problems can be solved by a heart to heart talk and a good nights sleep will be tested when you are introduced to mathmatics.

   In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and a unforgettable love.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   Thinks Spiders are incredible. Us humans think we are so smart...Lets try shooting silk outta our butts and see what we could make!

   finding when it comes to chickens, talk is cheep

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.

   Just killed a spider for the first time without peeing myself. Thug life.

   just realized that he wasnt really a big hit, he's just a typical sh*t in a prince charming outfit :)

   conducting a test of the emergency Facebook system. If this had been an actual emergency, then you need help because who looks at Facebook during an emergency?

   So my boss told me I was well rounded this morning... I didnt know whether to thank him.. or punch his lights out..

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   it's really awkward when you invite your neighbors to your Shark Week party, and then you realize that your neighbors are tuna, and they probably don't observe Shark Week.

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   dear grades, get well soon...

   Scientists say we use only 10% of our brain. Imagine how much better the world would be if we started using the other 60%.

   Its hot as hades outside, some people call it hell, I call it hades..ummmmhhhhhh

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?