Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Password retrieval question: "What is the square root of a pineapple?" Hack that biatch!

   you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up

   Build a man a fire he's warm for a day, set him on fire and he's warm the rest of his life.

   Do you ever have days that when someone says Hi, all you want to say back is, "I wish I was."

   Some guy knocked at my door this morning and asked me if I've ever considered an alternative energy supplier. I said, "No, I'm quite happy with food."

   You know the women that say: "Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?" You're fat. Stop making f*cking excuses.

   What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.

   wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."

   "Liquor makes my clothes fall off."

   2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

   a hazard to myself

   hula hooping in wallmart...yeah I still got it

   Him: "A wizard is never late, babe. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." Her: "You're not fooling anyone, that was premature ejaculation and you know it."

   If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?

   Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time!!

   DRINK TO FORGET BUT NEVER FORGET TO DRINK.

   If flatulence is a normal part of pregancy, why did they toss me out of my wife's lamaze class after I farted?

   ...Kim Kardash begs fan NOT 2 get surgery 2 look like her. Kim's right. Someone in porn shoulda begged Heidi Montag not 2 look like one of THEM!

   the life of the party, even if I dont attend

   singing a duet with the fat lady singing "myspace"