Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you got to scroll down to find your birth year!

   What do whales eat? Fish and ships.

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   I hate sharks! Can't there be a my little pony week?

   Only on True Blood can you have a group of guys standing next to eachother buck naked, and have it not be gay.

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   Live every week like it's shark week.

   Every time I hear a recording of my own voice, I'm convinced that I would not be friends with me if I were someone else.

   The best things in life are unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, sleep and dream.

   I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

   If a man won't lift a finger to see you & spend time with u, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers & wave goodbye!

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   I think I want a 3D bigscreen, now I just need 3 grand....

   things that last longer than a Rick Pitino sexual encounter: 16 second Abs, a Soulja Boy Mix tape, a knock-knock joke, a lap at the Indy 500, a stop light, Brett Favre's retirement, a game of Tippy Cup, an NBA shot clock, Usain Bolt running 200 meters...

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!

   Do homeless people get knock knock jokes???