Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that myspace and facebook should team up together so that you can invite your friends to come on myface.

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.

   I live and yearn.

   Honey, remember to address the dog as "Dr." Scruffy. We didn't pay for eight years of post-grad obedience school for nothing.

   I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

   A man in Atlanta is raising money for charity by not speaking for a month and only communicating on facebook. Is there anyway to get "the view" and Oprah on board for this?

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   I'm just a man but if you want I can still be your superman or prince charming! ♥

   sufferring from two different mental disorders: OCD, and extreme laziness. it's an ever-present conflict. The will to maintain order vs the desire to not do a single thing about it.

   GET TO THE CHOPPER!!

   Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

   The day my status says "in a relationship" check for flying pigs. k?

   the reason why facebook created the "LIKE" Button

   I rear-ended a car this morning. Slowly the other driver got out of his car. And he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you,then?"

   YES!!! I knew it... The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a condom in my wallet that expires in 2013.

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realised it was a trash can

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"

   Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.